haphazard

Why does hello feel like good bye? - matchbook romance (promise)

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hindi ko alam kung ano nanaman ang naisip ni pareng rico at kauma-umaga eto yun sinalubong niyang ibalita na lyrics..

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napaisip ako, simula kaninang umaga iniisip ko na tong kaiksi-iksing linyang to..

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napapatanong.. o_O?

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OO NGA, sapul nanaman sa akin…

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nakakatakot.. nakakatakot talaga.. pero alam niyo ba kung paano maging paranoid? um, siguro ganun ako kasi may mga tao rin siguro na pagnag-hello ako, hanggang dun na lang..haaay, karma ever ang setting.. siguro kay natatakot ako.. baka…

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IKAW? OO IKAW! Why does hello feel like good bye?..

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baka lang kasi masagot mu, at least matutulungan mo na ako, matutulungan mo pa ang sarli mo..

gusto ko nang magmura..

habang nasa kalagitnaan ng SUBRA
DUBRAng haba na blog, biglang may
lumabas na ganito:

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nabura lahat.. kahit pa nag control a
control c.. mainam pa yata ang vitamin
a at vitamin c.. leche!
hanep.. hanep talaga..

SUBRA DUBRA- tagalog ng super duper…
haha!

pero badtrip talaga.. arghhhhhhhh!

SLEEP AND SLUMBER

i have slept early yesterday night. the earliest possible time, i came home by past ten and snoozed by eleven. needless to mention, i did not eat my dinner. i felt so all-in. i’d rather sleep than anything else, i said to myself.. ZZZzzZZz.

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FORTY WINKS

since i slept early, guess what, i also woke up so early. since i have no class, getting-up early is so unusual and stupid but i can’t battle my system. it was so weird that i was still sleeping but my system was not anymore. pathetic.argh!

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GREETINGS

happy valentines day. many greeted me but let’s say, ummm..i did not greet them back. i just don’t feel like texting. i only texted few of them, so few.

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THANKS LIVY AND OH-WAS-IT-KAKI?

livy was the only person who greeted me with a personalized one, i was so touched and decided to greet him too.

kaki, my highschool friend whom i thought was abducted by alien also texted me after years of making me feel that she was really gone.ugh!but praise God.ü she’s alive.. Halleluiah!!

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BLOATED FACE

i visited the doctor and ask if she was alright. she affirmed but asked, "what’s with you? there is really something different". "why, do i look horrible?" i asked over. "no, but..uhmm. what’s with your eyes? there is something different. did you cry?".. "no, there’s nothing to be cried for, why would i?".. "there is really something different" she insisted. "your face is bloated!".. amen to that..

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PICTORIAL

how could i decide to ask for a shot if i look hideous this day. oh my, could i pass a curriculum vitae without a pro-looking picture, i don’t think so.. but,ehem.. i can take a picture all by myself, i have my cam anyway.

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TAKING A BATH

i’ve decided to have a bath, and yeah "ligo lang pala ang katapat ng ka-chakahan" .. i am really a frog.  confirmed..kokak!

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PICTORIAL PROPER

since i have no camera stand it took my neurons hundred of years to fire. eureka! i placed my books together until it reached the enough height. i am indeed a genius.hehe.. i did put on my blouse and voila.. snapped a shot for myself..how sweet..ü.. hmm, i looked a bit pale, so i put a lipgloss on.. another trial, again and again.. until i got tired and lazy to take more shots. a yos na to.. though mukha nanaman akong basura, ayos na to…medyo chaka nga, tabingi pa.. how pathetic..

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PM

kuya nic spoke in front of us and shared something about tough love. it is about feeling free to correct others and to be corrected as well. if you’ve been corrected, feel blessed, that someone just have a concern on you. that someone loves you and wants you to be better.ü

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RECALLING THE PAST

my mom told me a long time ago that i am lucky for i could create happiness to others and so, i must be happy and smile always. according to her, i must also smile even to those who doesn’t smile back. because in many ways, i can create happiness if not to them, at least for myself.. i see.ü

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CONNECTING THOUGHTS

its like, if people doesn’t love you back, love them still. i am blessed for having a loving heart.üü. and praying for them is more than anything else. it is the sweetest thing an individual could do.ü

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SHARING CHOCOLATES

i bought packs of chocolates and gave them to my school mates, those whom i really don’t now. some would ask if what was it for, others would say thank you and refuse.. others would call for their friends and share..ü their thank yous and smiles made my valentines day extraordinary.. and this made it more extraordinary "ate, ang ganda mo naman, tsaka bakit ka namimigay ng tsokolate?" said a kuya..haha. i just flashed a smile implying gratitude.

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hmmm, i never thought that this day would be great as ever though i had a bloated face daw, i had a so-non-pro-pic(which was not developed,i have to wait fir tomorrow), and stuffs.. still, i did something good by sharing God’s love to my school mates..ü

panalo..

um, karol, titan, shine, rico and che also made my day..ü.. especially karol..hehe.. praise God naisip mong umatend! haha, kahit pa umuwi ka kahit hindi pa nagsisimula yun meeting..ahaha!..ü

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for thise who corrected me, super thanks and to those whom i corrected, mahal ko lang kayo…ü

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GOD’S LOVE IS INDEED ENOUGH.. AND FREE.. AVAIL IT NOW>>ü

Two fresh college graduates had their first job at a mining company. They were officemates and nothing more. They don’t even pay any attention to each other.

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There was one weekend that almost all of the office personnel went home together. Unfortunately, their bus had a major problem and they did nothing about it. Another weekend came with the same fate, how lucky they were. The lady became quite disappointed and annoyed, “not on the second time” she said to herself but she burst out and pointed his guy officemate and said “Maybe you are the jinx”, this always happen when you are around” needless to say, she was pointing him with a finger. The guy came to be intrigued with this lady after the incident. He was challenged so he decided to court the lady and did everything he could for her to say yes. It was Valentines Day; the guy read the newspaper and saw something with big I LOVE YOU, it was a big ad page for Hallmark. He then cut it and placed inside a card and sent it. He became really interested to her more and more each day to the point that he would always visit to her house and enjoyed knowing each other well. Since he was serious about winning her heart, he tried his best to be close to her brother and sister-in-law who worked in the same company. His efforts were seen in many ways so they officially became lovers. They would eat lunch together. He would bring food for her and vice-versa. They became the “takbo ng tuksuhan” of the whole company.

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So much for kakakilig stories, one day the company had to remove workforce and the girl was one of them. She became so afraid to what her future would be but the guy was there to back her up. He promised that he would be there for her no matter what. That incident made their feelings grew fonder and bigger as ever.

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Right time came and they have decided to get married. They went to La Union where the lady’s family lives. He asked for her hands or what we call pamamanhikan. Her parents initially refused. They believed that the lady was still not on the age of getting married but though indeed, she was already 23 that time. The guy and the lady’s mom had a serious talk, she was convincing him not to marry her daughter as early as that but the guy eventually fell asleep. No joke but it really happened. He was too bored and found the talk unnecessary and pointless because he really loves her girlfriend and wanted to marry her soon. The lady’s parents had their blessing to them afterwards after they saw how committed the guy was.

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They married happily and had two kids after a while; they were much blessed by God for they truly love each other. The company also re-opened a position. Luckily, she got in again.

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Now I see how love could get through as long as it is true. Trials are nothing if you do it together. Raising kids are no pain if couples made them because of pure love.

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And now I can’t express how happy I am to write a true love story happened 21 years ago. A supporting evidence how MY DADDY AND MY MOMMY LOVED THEIR LOVE AND FOUGHT FOR IT.

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I’m Ytalia Nikolai Suller Moreno by the way. Good Evening. Hmmmm, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY FRIENDS..ü

haha.. natawa ako dito.. click nyo, para malaman nyo kung gaano talaga ako kasama nung high school.. sabihin na nating supporting evidence ito dun sa black paper incident..

hmmm.. pero naging nice din naman ako in some ways.. kung oportunista lang sana ako e di go..hehe.. rich guy kasi sya..haha..

pero ayun, may utang na loob din siya saken dahil naging okay sila ni friendly neighborhood..ü

okay. my fault.. again, because i’m letting myself to be injured..

i had a short vacation in laguna..e? i mean batangas. (i actually planned to go to laguna but one of my cousins told me that it was better to stay with her in batangas. so i said go..) i had a nice stay there.. i had enough bonding moments with marjoe and rojan.. the two of them were both nice, though sometimes a,e they became a bit abusive.. okay okay.. marjoe whom we call kikay is a twoyearold kid and rojan is one. so basically they weren’t that aware that they were already hurting me in their different ka-brutalan ways.. still, i had a good time playing with them.

kids, they are really therapeutic in many unpredictable ways. just looking at them, in laughter or not.. catatonic acts or adhds.. newly powdered or dugyot looks.. i don’t know.. i’m starting to love kids..

i grew up hating kids.. i just don’t feel like playing that much(except to my cousins).ü.. kasi naman if i ask things to them, wala silang maisagot.. they would just think and we’ll just both end up thinking.. unlike to big guys, they could answer my queries in an instant.. like instant coffee.ü

so yun, i’m starting to love them nga.. big guys big guys big guys.. ohman, the world is turning upside-down now.. big guys are now the reasons why my question list are getting so lenghty.. i am living on a umm…. confusing world(as a friend would call)..

inquisitive, that’s me..ü that word turned back when i was asking lots of question to my dad yesterday night.. i kept on asking "what happened?", "so?", "then"?, not mentioning the reflecting ones.. basta masyado akong matanong.. sometimes i am a bit hesitant to ask kasi feeling ko masyado na akong matanong at may mga napapahiya na kapag hindi nila nasasagot or it would be the time that they have to divulge things already.. basta unexplainable.. or maybe they could explain it to me, hindi lang siguro ako satisfied or what..

or it could be… ummm.. the answers are within me, ako lang siguro ang may alam..

ako lang ang makakasagot sa mga tanong ko..

i am the one responsible for rationalizing my own irrationalities..

i just have to do some introspection and listen to myself closely.. through God’s guidance.. mga ganun..

pero ummmm.. eto nanaman.. i simply know na i masasaktan ako sa mga mare-realize ko.. and my heart will go tiktilaok for hundred mornings.. hindi pwede, i’m not ready..   not yet..

uncertainties, qualms, subtleties…ang dami, doubts are really hard to doubt..

pero teka, behaviorist.. i’m one of them.. i like to think things beyond the reach without realizing that i really don’t know the whole thing.. unsure yet i’m jumping into conclusions..

nalilimutan ko na on a theatre, there are happenings also at the backstage.. but i just concentrate as in "kookoo,focus,focus".. i just focus on the things na nakikita ng panget kong mata..

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gaya dun sa basura inc post, hindi naman ako sigurado kung tama nga yun interpretasyon ko sa mga bagay sa likod ng storyang yon… tama kaya? o inatake lang ako ng hysteria ko? hindi ko alam.. pero wala e, tapos na.. kredibilidad? i’m losing them already.. dahil sa mga lecheng pabago-bago ko ng isip.. talo ko pa ang may borderline disorder nito..

MGA NAREALIZE:

• masayang magbakasyon kasi madaming tulog, libre chibog at nood
• ang mga bata ay nakakatulong sa pagpapa-ayos ng pakiramdam ng taong lito at isip ay magulo
• hindi lahat ng tanong mo kayang sagutin ng mga taong nakakatanda sayo…lalo ang mga mas bata
• ikaw lang ang makakasagot ng mga tanong patungkol sa mga bagay na tungkol sa mga ka-ULOL-an mo
• magdasal ka!!
• problema mo na yan kung ayaw mong tulungan ang sarili mo
• maraming mga bagay na labas sa paningin at pananaw natin ang nangyayari, kaya wag basta bastang tatalo.. diyan nasaktan si gringgo honasan..tumalon bago mag-isip, pilay tuloy..
• wag OA..

psychology students in school have their free choice what uniform to use, it could be the white-and-a’la-nursing-uniform or the green-a’la-tablecloth-skirt.. most of the time i wear the green one. not because i wanna be seen as a tablecloth but because admit it or not, it brings much comfort compared to the all-white-nagbabait-baitan one.

well, this morning i somewhat met the day with lashes curledü.. needles ehh? necessary to say, i just had the shortest sleep ever.. i reviewed for that aciv exam which i found senseless.. natulog nalang sana ako..

o well, ayun. after taking a bath i’ve realized that all of my uniform were in the laundry shop. meaning, uhhhh. wala akong isusuot na uniform. but i have a choice if i really wanna attend the class, at talagang kelangan kong pumasok kasi nga midterm exam… i wore my a’la-kalabasa-p.e-uniform..

trivia: basura ang tawag sa mga psych majors na naka-green uniform.. dugyot-looking kasi unlike the white clinical uniform.. gets?

so ayun, kung basura ako pag naka-green, what more yun naka PE uniform, and to think we already took all PE subjects, including sky-diving and hockey..ehh?

a, so tama nga ang naisip ko..

i saw some of my classmates and tada, all asked, "why are you in your PE uniform blahblah?"

"a, wala kasi akong uniform e"

"e bakit hindi yung green"

"ahaha, kahit yun wala e"

so yun, halos lahat nagtatanong, kahit sa mga taga kabilang section, wierd kasi talaga dahil nga wala naman na kaming PE..

ayun, i was the laughing stock…weh, hyperbolic lang..

pero talagang niloloko ako ng lahat, it was nothing to me.. really, malupet pa nga e mukha daw akong traffic enforcer at mas malupet, ateng reliance.. maglinis na daw ako ng room..errr..

basura, yun yung tingin ko sa sarili ko ngayong araw.. hindi dahil mukha akong taga-linis ng school or dahil naka-PE uniform ako or magulo ang buhok ko o ano..

siguro nga basura talaga ako kaya ako muntik mataktakan ng basura sa garbage truck before, akala ata nung manong operator e big mass ako ng mga kinokolekta nila.. siguro mukha akong smokey mountain kaya yon, akala nya nasa smokey mountain nga sya…

ang sakit, oo, masakit.. alam kong mahal ako ng mga taong kilala ko.. siguro yun ay dahil sa pakikisama ko at sabihin na nating mabaut ako sa lahat, este sa karamihan. pero bakit ganon, sa taong you least expect that will treat you bilang basura… SIYA PA..

ceasefire ang luha ko, as in walang tumutulo ni patak… talo pa ang JOY na commercial.. pero sobrang nasaktan ako..

malupet pa dito, bago ko maconfirm na binabasaura niya pala ako e nakipagpustahan pa ako sa isang friend, SIGURADO kasi ako sa worth ko sa taong yun, mahalaga ako sa kanya sabi ko… sinabi ko pa na ipupusta ko ang buhay ko dahil sigurado ako na mananalo ako.. sabi ko magsu-suicide ako pag nagkataon….pero sa isang iglap, isang mensahe.. na nasundan pa ng pangalawa… kumpirmado, basura ako..

BASURA LANG PALA AKO AT BINABALEWALA..

wala naman akong ginagawang masama.. pero bakit ganon..

sa totoo lang, gusto kong gumamit ng defense mechanism na kung tawagin ay….. DISPLACEMENT pero wag na lang.. naniniwala ako na intelehente ako kahit pa basura lang ako para sa iba.. sublimation nalang..

mas okay pa sana na basura ako dahil sa suot ko, o dahil sa ayos ng buhok ko.. tipong pisikal ang usapan.. pero hindi e… BASURA AKO, hindi mapapatungan ng kahit ano mang magara at malinis na damit at sandamakmak na pabango…

pero hindi pwede yun, hindi ako basura.. kung susumahin, importante ako sa mga tao ng nakakasalamuha ko.. kya para sayo, ulol!! hindi ako basura..

o well figuratively speaking, i do not know where these poems came from… but i made them in a snap..i do not really feel like posting them because my inspiration while doing them is currently the reason for my misery… so paradoxical.. does this make sense? i don’t know..

AS NOTHINGfeb7′07

emo song turns happy

when you are with me

touching my hands,

there were nothing actually

it’s about touching my heart

and helping them beat continually

rhythms, they are in

though no literal music playing

it’s my core who beats with much mellow.

no emo could let me down

because the mere fact you’re there

i’m leaping in delight

and no hands could reach

and intervene the lift you brought

o_O?

FINDERS KEPERSfeb7′07

told myself not to open my door anymore

locked it and burnt the key

the last time i let anyone in

just made me feel nothing

interlude forever i planned

but then you came and got into instantly

never knowing where you are in

i tried accusing you for trespassing

there i knew you can hear nothing

one thing made me wonder

how did it happen

if the key was lost beneath the ashes?

o_O?

KEPT AND WEPTfeb7′07

warlords attack

they want you for them to be back

i tried to battle for you

but then i came to be aware too

being with them

is indeed your realm

sword kept

and it’s owner just wept.

o_O?

BROKEN PROTOTYPEfeb8′07

no one would know

how happy i became

upon your appearance on the cane

polen of flowers blow

into fields where drought is hell

something that no life could ever tell

i have slept with delight

being safe and relaxed

but upon waking up i was beaten by an axe

the sun shone through the night

lighten all the vines

not grapes for wines

but source of bitterness

held me to whine

o_O?

-ytalia nikolai suller moreno

ay

uya

man,

garu

baga

lingaw

nanaman

aku

na

dai

dapat

nagangpadangog

sa

bungog

at

pahiling

sa

duling..

ay

maray

na

ngani

sa

duling

ta

duwa

a nahihiling

ang

malupiton

nagpapahiling

sa

bulag..

parapalpalong

maray

ay..

kookoo.bicolana 

MANONG GUARD

si manong guard, yan yung kauna-unahang tao na nakaenkwentro ko sa dorm.. okay okay.. sobrang mabait siya.. sobra talaga.. makulit ako, makulit din sya.. makulit kami pareho…kaya masaya..

mag-iisang taon na rin ako sa dorm at masasabi ko na isa siya sa rason kung bakit natutuwa pa akong umuwi sa dorm.. um, kahit may katandaan na siya meron pa rin siyang kakaibang lakas para makapagpasaya ng mga tao.. lalo na ako..

para sa mga hindi pa nakakaranas tumira sa dorm, meron kasing mga ritual-ritualan, isa na dito ang pag sign sa logbook at pagiwan ng ID sa guard, yun ay mga hudyat na wala ka sa loob ng bahay..

tuwing ibibigay ko kay manong guard yoong ID ko tatawa na yon.. kapag nakarating na rin ako sa dorm at oras na para kunin ulit yung ID, tatawa nanaman siya.. basta, kakaiba kasi yun litrato ku na nakalagay doon… may kaputian at…basta, kakaiba.. mukha daw aswang sabi niya.. mukha namang nangaasar siya pero,eee… hindi talaga nakakaasar e.. tatawa lang din ako.. kaya pag siya ang naaabutan ko na gwardya bago ako umalis at pagbalik ko, masasabi ko na masaya na ako..

meron pa ngang isang araw na malungkot-lungkutan ako at raki-rakistahan.. balak ko noong umalis para malibang naman kahit papaano…. at kumain naman, hapon na noon at hindi pa ako kumakain ng tanghalian, pati umagahan, pati hapunan nong isang araw bago ang araw na yon… naisip ko kasi na buhay nga pala ako at kailangan sa buhay ang pagkain para matuloy ang buhay.. ayon, ayos naman ako… may art naman yong pagkakaayos ko ng buhok ko kahit may kaguluhan.. ang nakita niya ako, nagulat siya at napatanong "bakit ganyan ang buhok mo, para kang igorot?" haha.. natawa lang ako imbes na mainis…

basta minsan pa pag late akong umuwi isisilip ko yun buong mukha ko sa gate at gugulatin siya.. sasabihin lang nya na andyan na yung aswang..

minsan din tuwing dadating ako, naaabutan ko siyang natutulog… at magde-deny pa yun.. nakapikit lang daw siya lulusot pa kasi….

isang umaga

pero isang umaga bago pumasok sa eskwelahan, may bago akong tao na nasulyapan na nakabantay sa pinto… hindi siya si kuyang guard(isa pang guard na medyo mas bata) at si manong guard..

ilang araw na ang nakakalipas at hindi ko pa rin nakikita si manong guard… naibalita nalang ni room mate na hindi na raw babalik si manong guard, medyo matanda na rin daw kasi siya at mabigat na ang pagbantay ng isang lugar na maraming tao.. responsibilidad niya din kami kahit papaano…. at hindi na niya kaya yon… magpuyat at kung anu-ano pa…

hmmmm..

nalungkot naman ako.. minsan tuloy gusto ko nalang hindi makakita ng kahit sinong bagong gwardya sa labas..dahil wala naman silang naitutulong sa ikasisiya ko… dagdag pa sa pasakit, nagyoyosi… nakakadiri… yan tuloy, lagi kong nami-miss si manong guard…

ni di lang man ako nakapagpasalamat sa mga oras na palagi niya akong napapasaya…

pero siguriro nga, oras na din para sa kanya na magpahinga at tumira kapiling ang pamilya niya…

sana masaya siya…

at sana makapasa ako sa physics at abpsy, pati aciv…

sana din matapos ko na yung requirement sa aciv..

sana din makabili na ako ng charger para sa motorola ko..

sana din makapunta ako sa laguna sa weekend

sana din maka-availa ko nung kookoo bag…

sana din gumaling na si hystrionica sa sakit niyang hysteria..

sana din umunlad na ang pinas para wala nang aalis at magri-reason out na "philippines is a nice place but blah blah blah"

sana din lahat ng tao magkaroon ng pusong tumulong sa GK..

sana din a e…. sanan ano… hehe..ü